I’m beginning to believe in keeping myself in balance. Mostly my mental state. So even though I don’t want to feel the darker emotions (anger, despair, hate), I know that I must feel them and let them go. What’s the use of not feeling those things? You just don’t appreciate the good emotions as much if you don’t feel the bad ones too.
So when I feel an almost illogical anger about certain things, I let myself ride the wave of that anger. I know that I will end up appreciating the very good things in my life even more. The challenge is keeping the balance. And right now, it’s interesting how much of the battle comes from family and my perceptions.
Stepping outside of myself, I’m almost amused by the way my emotions spread themselves out. Even more interesting is how I will talk about the good stuff more often than the bad stuff. Do people who actually read my musings wonder if I’m only a sunshiny person filled with naive good thoughts and the like? Then again, I’ve been told that I write rather dark poetry at times, so maybe that’s the balance in my writing. Maybe.
I am continually amazed by how some people regard their family. Here’s where I’m perhaps sunshiny– I actually do love my family. I know that I could work on my relationship with my parents, but with my sister and my cousins, most things are peachy. I know I’m lucky to have such a wonderful family. Further extending, I can sit with almost any of my older cousins and their kids and just chat. It’s not a CHORE to go to one of my family functions. It’s not a duty or obligation on my part. I honestly enjoy being around them. I’m comfortable and at ease with my family. We’ve been lucky to escape some of the drama that has plagued the older members of the family. You know, the crazy and vicious cycle of gossip.
Marrying into a smaller family enlightened me to different things. I realized that not everyone is close to their family. I couldn’t fathom the broken ties between different family members. It’s a constant struggle on my part to hold my tongue when people are unbelievable asinine. I keep myself non-committal and mild. But I do have my opinions and I do have my annoyances. I just keep them locked away when in certain circles.
But sometimes, the darker emotions linger longer than I’d like. Sometimes I want to give in to the disgust and the anger. Sometimes I leave it in too long and it festers inside of me. And sometimes I just want to rail against the idiocy and scream at the top of my lungs.
And that’s when I need to let it go.
And sometimes it holds fast to me.
This is when I strive for balance. Feeling nothing and everything. Finding peace in chaos.