still a little sad

I wish I knew what to say
but confusion gets in the way
I cannot imagine the pain
was it the hard falling rain
matching the darkness within
showing every scenario without a win
never to know your last thought
only to know the chaos it wrought
inside wondering why
without a chance to say goodbye
will the anger dissipate
was this merely fate
fighting with destiny
losing the will to be

I keep thinking, if I feel this way, what more the people who really knew him?  I cannot remember the last time I saw him yet I can hear him joking with me, see his smile, shake my head at his goofiness.  How is it that I can still remember him so vividly?  And is this why it hurts to know he’s gone from the world?

When we worked together, I think he called me Valerie whereas most people called me by my last name.  I can’t really hear him saying my last name except maybe when we were out in the halls?  I can hear him saying Valerie, I can hear him laughing.  I am trying to reconcile that laughing fella with the one who died and my mind just can’t do it.

We went to the same high school.  He graduated one year ahead of me.  We didn’t run in the same circles at all but I knew who he was when we worked together at SRJ.  We had some laughs and we were workmates.  I’ve always thought of him fondly.

And now he’s gone.

I’m sure there’s wisdom to be shared somewhere but it won’t come from me.  I have only sadness and questions.  The sadness will work itself out but the questions aren’t meant to be answered.  Those will merely be part of life’s mysteries.  Or death’s secrets?

I can’t say I will miss him only because we lost touch long ago.  I can say that I hope the end showed him some comfort and peace.  And I mourn the person that I knew…

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