A year ago today was a Tuesday. Veteran’s Day. A day off from work.
A year ago today, I got up in the morning, went through my routine, and we drove to the Kaiser hospital in San Leandro.
A year ago today, my cousin messaged the family chat and said that Dad looked peaceful and he was hanging on. He was waiting for his daughters.
A year ago today, I wondered if it would be Dad’s last day. I walked into his hospital room and waited. I held his hand, I watched him breath. I hoped my sister would arrive in time. She did. We each held a hand and waited.
A year ago today, Dad took his last breath some time in the afternoon. Family had arrived, lifting the melancholy just a little bit. I like to think Dad was probably happy to see us all together, remembering him even through the sorrow and tears. Was the sun shining outside? Maybe.
I think of Dad almost every day. I miss him. I think about him singing his karaoke. He LOVED to sing. I’ve played his songs very little but right now, I’m listening and oh the squeeze of my heart.
I think about how proud he was of the food that he cooked for us when family visited. I don’t remember him cooking when we were younger but in his last years, he started cooking and the food that day was good.
I miss knowing that if he was still around, he would probably be at the marina, enjoying the sound of the water, the autumn skies, the company of his friends. He’s still there, in another time, in memories.
In another place, in another time, I’m a little girl taking a picture with Dad. I won’t remember the moment, even when it’s staring at back at me. He looks so cool and I wonder what I was thinking. The present version of me is so glad to have happened upon this moment captured, even if I don’t remember it.
I thought about Dad when we were driving through Isleton this weekend. I wish I had asked where he lived while he was there so that we could have detoured during one of our drives on our way to the Sacramento area.
I think about Dad and I miss him. I try to be grateful for all the time he was in my life and I try not to regret all the moments I could have spent with him. Sometimes the could have beens slip in and the melancholy fills me. I focus on the times we did share and I know that he loved me without question because he was my dad. And Dad loved his daughters.
A year today, Dad gave us his silent goodbye as we held his hand.
A year ago, my world shifted into one without him.
I miss him everyday. I still have his songs and so many photos to remember him by. The photos make me smile. The songs still make me cry a little as I imagine him singing.
I love you, Dad.
Song: “Somewhere Between” Dad’s Karaoke Version