Day 33
As I write this, it’s Day 33. I plan to press publish on Day 40.
I wish I could say I’m going in this with a plan but we’re still in the weeds of it and I can only draw back a little bit for the larger picture.
So let’s begin…
Day 1
On November 11, my father passed away.
My sister and I were with him for his last hour or so. R and our cousin were with us when the doctor called it at 1325 hrs. Family arrived soon after to spend their last moments with Dad. It was like a little party and in the grief there was also love. It was good to see the extended family, even in such times as these.
I was tasked with telling my mother that Dad passed away. She had not seen him while he was in the hospital. I ended up spending the night in San Leandro, sleeping in the big room with my sister on couch and me on the futon.
I posted the next day to my IG:
Before
Dad’s last days were uncomfortable for him. The last weekend, he insisted that he as going home on Tuesday. We could all tell that was not likely.
November 11th was a Tuesday.
After
My sister would only be in town for a short while after Dad passed and we did do some business– mortuary and checking out a place for our mother. We went to the San Leandro Marina and walked part of Dad’s routine. He loved going to the marina.
Day 7
A week after Dad died, R and I were contacted for a meeting that would herald a major life change in a freakin’ amazing way. If this had happened a month ago, we probably would have told more people than we have at this point. I would have definitely told my sister and closest cousins. But we were cautious and decided to let the process follow along. When the time is right, we will tell our family and friends. (I have told some co-workers and of course my CPN friends. IYKYK.)
After this meeting, we had days of not knowing if it was really going to happen. (It is so interesting to be vague at this moment.) We had to stay wary. Still, the excitement and anticipation are a nice counter to the grief. Balance in the extreme.
Thanksgiving Week
I didn’t really post anything for Thanksgiving, so let me give my thanks now.
I am thankful for my one and only, my family and friends. I am sad that this was the first Thanksgiving without Dad but I am grateful for all my memories of him. I know that he loved me, my sister, and my mother. He definitely loved his granddaughters. He loved his family at large and his friends and I think they all knew it. I am grateful to have a roof over my head and food to eat. I am so very grateful that I can find joy, however small, each day.
We spent Thanksgiving in San Leandro. We got food from Harry’s Hofbrau, where the line was out the door! Well, that was before I realized that there was a shorter line inside for take-out orders. It was certainly an experience being there on Thanksgiving but everyone was in good spirits even though the wait was long. The food was good, as usual.
Dad’s ashes were ready and we went to San Leandro to pick them up on Black Friday. We made a big circle from home to SL to home.
When we were walking out of the mortuary, it hit me that I was holding the box that had the bag of Dad’s remains. The sorrow hugged me tight and I almost cried. Dad was no more.
We took his ashes home with us but he only spent the night. I printed out a picture of him with me and my sister. I think it’s the last one of three of us that I have. It was from a good day spent together in San Francisco.
We went to SL again that Saturday for chores. I brought Dad’s ashes and set them on his pool table.
Day 19
This was Sunday at the end of Thanksgiving weekend and we had another meeting that made our good news feel so very real. Even though we’ve gotten over the cautious and wary stage, we’re still not telling people at large. I haven’t posted publicly about it to my socials though my friends do know. Only one family member knows at this point. As a sharer, it’s sort of killing me to not write about it here in more detail because it is SO EXCITING!!!
Day 25
Stanford University! My niece had lacrosse camp and we headed out to Stanford to watch. We stopped at San Leandro first but it was short visit.
It was fun (and chilly!) being at the fields at Stanford. My niece ended up on the rugby pitch for her scrimmage. It was really super cool to watch her and the other young women playing. We checked out the store by the track and I ended up buying a t-shirt and a hat. Never thought I’d own Stanford gear and here we are.
It was also very nice to spend some time with my sister and her family. It had been awhile and my younger niece is taller than the last time we saw her. It was good to see my brother-in-law too. We were all just standing around watching the scrimmages but I loved it. We were outside, enjoying the cool sunshine of the afternoon then the misty chill of the evening. Good times.
Day 32
I had a whole little essay written here about something that happened but I’ve decided to keep it to myself. I need to keep telling myself, “lead with love,” and part of that is not putting out too much of the negative stuff. I know, I talk about balance sometimes but there’s already so much darkness and sadness in the world and I need not contribute to it.
On this day, we went to San Leandro for the chores. I put the laundry in the washer and when it was in the dryer, we went grocery shopping. When we were on our way home, a conversation was had.
The Good News
No, I’m not going to say what it is but I do want to talk a little about it because it is SO EXCITING.
I wish I could tell more people about this because it’s exciting and scary but so cool. Maybe when we get to that certain stage, I’ll write up another long post with the details. The ones who do know (co-workers and CPN) get specific updates from me. I do post a little on my IG story but I post without words so it might not look like anything to the folks who don’t know. It’s frustrating but fun too, being vague. Oh, and challenging in this long form post.
It’s weird to be so excited and happy right now and not being able to say why specifically. It’s also a bit delicious to have a sort of secret. Cannot wait to fully share when the time is right.
Part of me doesn’t mind that we’re waiting to tell. I think there might be some judgement. Not sure if anyone will have the audacity to actually say something to me but you just never know. I have to mentally prepare for it.
Day 38
Yesterday just before work, I had a good conversation. It was a fair resolution from Day 32, I think.
Winter Break is upon us! The kids out this way are out of school and set to return on January 5th. Bully for them! Lucky ducks. My desk companions are in the drawer, as is their place when I’m not there for an extended amount of time.
As I write, today is Day 40. The Winter Solstice. The shortest day and the longest night. The sun has already made an appearance this morning and it looks like there’s a bit of wind out there. We’ll probably be in all day and I don’t mind. I do enjoy the slower days at home.
Yesterday we headed to San Leandro for chores. Unlike the previous weeks, the drive to San Leandro was one of light rain instead of fog. The drive back home to Brentwood was cloudy but clear of the disorienting fog we’d experienced in the weeks before.
I didn’t need to do the laundry so it was just groceries. I ended up sitting with my mother for awhile.
Every drive to my childhood home brings me closer to the last time. The house has gone through many changes since I’ve lived there so it’s not exactly the same. Still, it’s the childhood home and there are so many memories wrapped in its walls, even the newer ones. While I sat there yesterday and looked towards the front window, through the break of the curtains, I felt this melancholy. Even though it hadn’t been my home in decades, the house on Hubbard Avenue is the echo of home.
When I’m in the house, I miss Dad the most when I’m in the big room. The big room was done in 2007 (I had to hunt through my photo archive!) and when it was finished, I wished that it had been there when I lived there! Dad was super proud of that room and how it turned out. He bought a beautiful pool table for it and the biggest tv was in that room. He set up his karaoke there and it was definitely THE party room. It’s also like stepping into a different house when you go into that room. The rest of the house is very 1950s (it was constructed in 1954), the rooms cozy (aka small). The big room is spacious with a high ceiling, bright with natural lighting when the blinds are open. It’s a beautiful room and the one that I like best to spend in because it feels vibrant, unlike the rest of the house. I bet it was Dad’s favorite room. Everything he’d want was in there, except for a bed.
Dad’s ashes are currently in the big room, set on the pool table. It seems like a good spot for now. He’s in his room, the place of music and movies and good times. I wonder what song he sang last there. I wonder what movie he last watched there. He did love watching movies. And he most definitely loved singing.
End of post thoughts
The days immediately following Dad’s passing were difficult, especially emotionally. This is expected, right? Things were better when I was back at work. I could concentrate on the things I knew. Since it was November, I turned to my writing and somehow managed to hit 50,000 words by the end of the month. Even though National Novel Writing Month is no longer a thing, I’m apparently conditioned to write words in November that turn into a story. This year, I wrote “Twin Hearts.” Oddly enough, grief plays a role in the story, though in a different way from what I was experiencing while writing it.
Most days have not been dark but there have been moments of deep melancholy and sorrow. Those moments are meant to stop the world, to remember and to grieve. So I do remember and I grieve. I regret. But I am also grateful.
I am grateful for my sister and the way she has shouldered so much responsibility. She’s been doing so much and there’s still much to do. I am grateful for the family who have stopped in on my mother since Dad passed away, making sure she’s doing all right. I am so grateful for the hubby for his constant support.
Dad lived a long, full life. Into his 80s, he was still going to the marina for his daily walks. He was still visiting his sisters and seeing family. He was looking forward to his granddaughter coming to California to go to Stanford. He still looked to what the days ahead might bring. He wanted more time, just a little more time.
Dad was a good father to us. He always told us that he loved us, he was always happy to see us. He always wanted time with us and always appreciated those moments when we were all together. He was supportive and glad that my sister and I have good husbands. He always told us to love each other, because we are sisters. (“Be good to her, she’s your only sister,” was a common refrain.)
I miss Dad and I know I will miss him at odd moments. Maybe when I hear an Elvis song, I’ll remember Dad singing the same song and I’ll miss him. Maybe when I go to the movies, I’ll remember that he liked going to the movies and I’ll miss him. Maybe when I watch my niece play lacrosse at Stanford, I’ll wish he was there and I’ll miss him. Maybe when I go to the house the last time, I’ll remember him in those spaces and I will miss him.
I know I was lucky to have him in my life for as long as I did. I knew that as the years kept passing that the inevitable was drawing closer. And still, I wish he had had more time. Just a little more time…
