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yes, I still remember…

Kevin Tod Smith

I don’t cry for you
have my tears all been spent
but I do still think of you
the memories do not relent
if you lived here and now
what part would you play
haunting, laughing, scheming
still my heart would sway
I will never forget
the moments so long passed
I will always smile
keeping the laughter to the last
the light of you still shines
even after all these years
so I can’t cry for you
only feel gratitude beyond the tears

He was a beautiful man. Everything about him elicited a response from his deep voice to his dark eyes. He was mesmerizing and seductive in his roles and it was utterly too easy to imagine his characters doing all kinds of different things.

Sometimes I wonder if I cling to the memory of him too much. Sometimes I wonder what right have I to remember him with such reverence and longing and sadness. Sometimes I wonder how it can still hit me so hard when that flash of reverie makes me laugh. Sometimes I wonder what mourning him represents to my very soul.

As I write this, it has been nine years since he faded from this world and into the next. Can it be so much time has passed? I am now older than he was when died and yet he is still older than me in my mind.

After he died, I thought of him every single day for a long time. Just one fleeting thought could bring a smile or a sad sigh but I didn’t mind remembering him. He belongs in those days in my late twenties, days of easy laughter and whimsical fantasies, and forging friendships. And after all the sadness, I am always ever grateful that he brought me together with those I still call friends…

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