TWITL – week twenty-three – the things I won’t say

During the week, I write my thoughts in a Google Doc called “TWITL 2020 – ideas.” Most of the stuff I write there doesn’t make it to this blog because it’s so personal and meant just for me. It’s the place where I try to work things out in my head so that maybe I can write a more subdued, subtle version of it here. What usually happens is that my weekly post is nothing like any of my thoughts from the week but merely bits of what I might be thinking of the moment.

This week, I wrote about my experiences and my perceptions. I had told a story last week about being racially profiled by the police in my youth and then I remembered another story, this one about me being accused of being racist…

Festival Cinemas
this place no longer stands…

I worked at a movie theatre when I was in high school and college and one shift it was my turn to check the bathrooms– wipe down the counters, flush the toilets that might not be flushed, clean any messes, restock the toilet roll holders. One of the stalls needed fresh rolls and while I was changing the empty to full, the cardboard center fell on the floor and went into the occupied stall next door. Apparently, the cardboard toilet roll center hit the woman on the foot. I might have apologized. I don’t know if I even saw it happen. I don’t know if she said something but regardless, I didn’t think it was a big deal. When she was gone, I think I picked up the cardboard center and threw it in the trash. The woman went to my assistant manager and told him that someone deliberately hit her on the foot with the cardboard center of the empty toilet roll because she was black. She wanted to file a complaint and she wanted an apology. The assistant manager, a young white man, called me over and made me apologize to this black woman who thought that I deliberately hit her with the empty toilet roll center because she was black. I apologized for hitting her, hopefully saying it was an accident but she just gave me a look like she didn’t believe me. It was humiliating for me and I could tell that my assistant manager just didn’t want any trouble. We were a customer service business, after all. Months later, our former manager who was then at the regional office of our theatre chain, told me about about they laughed at the complaint when it got to his office, which included the toilet roll cardboard center (which I believe I had to fish out of the garbage).

What’s the point of that story? I suppose it’s to bring balance to my own experiences. I have been racially profiled and called a racist– all before I graduated from college. Both these incidences affected me even though I forgot about them after awhile. This moment in time, however, I’m reminded of that’s it not all cut and dry, that our own prejudices and preconceptions are fashioned from our experiences. If either of those incidences happened now, I’d have a little more to say about it instead of just retreating into the good Asian model ingrained me. Or at least I hope I would.

This week, I’ve looked within myself about a lot of things and just to be clear, of course, I believe all lives matter. But right now, in this time and in our world, we must believe that black lives matter. This isn’t about you or me. This is about our family, our friends, our neighbors, the strangers we encounter who just want the same thing as we do– equality. We want equality in each other’s eyes, in our government’s eyes, in the eyes of law enforcement. Most of us want this. I know it deep in my heart. But I also know that there are people in this world who want power, who want dominance, who want only for themselves and to hell with you and me. Those people, in all walks of life but especially in positions of authority, are the danger. They’ll light the match to watch us burn then blame the destruction on us. Most of us are good people, no matter what we do for a living. (So cut that crap about all cops being evil because THEY ARE NOT and you’re just doing what you say they’re accusing you of doing by saying things like that. The system is most definitely jacked up but most of those men and women in uniform are trying to do the right thing.) And many of us are good people exercising our civil rights to protest. (So law enforcement, stop looking at those protesters as threats when all they’re doing is walking in unity for justice. You should be there to protect them from the looters and rioters because protesters do NOT equal looters and rioters. It’s not helping your case to attack peaceful demonstrators.)

If you want to create change, you start in your house, in your community, in your region. You work on yourself, you talk with your family and friends, you reach out to others. Most of all, you LISTEN. You listen with your heart, with love. Turn that rage and despair into something constructive and inspiring. It won’t be comfortable but it must be done. But always, always with love.

Now, let’s turn to some fangirling stuff.

Avengers: Endgame
Bro Thor – Avengers: Endgame

I have been doing lots of screenshots lately. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve started doing screenshots of Bro Thor. This is how you know I’m a bit far gone. Seriously, what am I going to do with Bro Thor screenshots? What am I going to do with most of my screenshots? I’m going to hoard them and dole them out on my IG after doing some cropping and filtering. I’ve even done some Captain America screenshots because, hello, Chris Evans! It’s gotten to the point where I might have to open up a Chris oriented IG. All Chris, all the time. It’ll be Hemsworth, Pine, Evans, and maybe even Conrad. Oh, but never Pratt.

Avengers: Endgame
Tony Stark and Steve Rogers – Avengers: Endgame

I am super unabashed about this whole Chris Hemsworth thing. It’s almost as if it was inevitable that he’d turn into the main muse. The real question is why it took so long, right? I have no idea. I just know that it’s not entirely new as I’ve liked him since his bit on Star Trek (which would be the first thing I’d mention to him, making sure to tell him, that yes, I know he played George Kirk and not James Kirk, so no, I don’t think he’s Pine). And I do believe he was the reason I wanted to see The Cabin in the Woods. (I definitely recommend that one, it’ll surprise you.) When he became Thor, I watched all the movies with much enthusiasm but I don’t think I saw a proper Thor movie in the theatre until Thor Ragnarok (and that was because of Karl Urban). So why Chris Hemsworth now? It’s a mystery.

The Cabin in the Woods
from The Cabin in the Woods


“Marcus the Junior Matchmaker” – I am plugging away on this story. I have some ideas on how it could end and when it could end but it really depends on if I want it to be a short story or novella or novel. I like spending time with the characters and it might tempt me to write more of the story than I should.

Avengers: Endgame
sleeping or dead?


  • Cuddle Puddle Nation – We had another group video chat on Saturday night, this time using the Facebook Rooms chat. I love those ladies. We’re all bound together by our love for Aleks Paunovic. Oddly enough, we don’t talk about him all that much except to make plans on someday going to the same convention he might attend so that we can meet him and meet each other. Now that would be good times!…
  • Today (Sunday) is Karl Urban’s birthday. Why do I remember these things? Love, I tell ya…
  • Friday video chat – My sister, cousins, and I have a weekly video chat. It was only three of us this week but as always, it was nice touching base with my cousin and sister. Being able to talk with them is something I do cherish…
  • With all that’s happening in the world, people are really starting to show their asses on social media. I’m not one to argue with people online, especially people I know, so instead of responding to their posts, I have started to unfollow people (though not unfriend). They won’t notice and I won’t have to see their posts on my feed. I believe in trying to have a balance by being able to see different points of view but some people are just utterly closed minded and downright ignorant. It makes me sad…
  • That said, my heart is full from seeing how the different artists and actors I follow care and use their platforms to inform. I appreciate the lip service but I applaud the actual activism. I am proud to support those artists who aren’t just talented but who have beautiful hearts that are inspired and inspiring…
work face
I like how my hair looks in this pic…